


What Hurts the Most

by didntwanderstillgotlost



Series: AU Where They Learned How to Translate Their Thoughts into Words Like Adult Humans [7]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Castiel and Dean Winchester Use Their Words, Coda, Episode: s15e03 The Rupture, M/M, One Shot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-30
Updated: 2020-04-30
Packaged: 2021-02-22 21:09:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,007
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23933767
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/didntwanderstillgotlost/pseuds/didntwanderstillgotlost
Summary: Right after this episode aired, I had my music on shuffle at work and "What Hurts the Most" by Rascal Flatts came on and it hit so hard, so I had to write something. I also wrote this while I was at work because fuck capitalism.
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester
Series: AU Where They Learned How to Translate Their Thoughts into Words Like Adult Humans [7]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1571155
Comments: 2
Kudos: 26





	What Hurts the Most

**Author's Note:**

> Right after this episode aired, I had my music on shuffle at work and "What Hurts the Most" by Rascal Flatts came on and it hit so hard, so I had to write something. I also wrote this while I was at work because fuck capitalism.

Cas’s hand had just touched the door when Dean found his voice.

“Cas, wait.” The angel paused just long enough for Dean to climb the stairs. “You’re wrong.” Cas squinted at him.

“How am I wrong?” Dean took a shaky breath. After the day he’d had, he really didn’t want to have this conversation. But if he didn’t then he was going to lose yet another person he cared about and he couldn’t do that.

“Mom’s death wasn’t on you. I blamed you because it was easier to be mad at someone than to deal with how much it hurts. It hurts bad. I miss her. I missed her my entire life, and then she was back. Now she’s gone again and I don’t know how to deal with it. But that’s no excuse for what I said. You’re not dead to me, Cas. Never.”

“I don’t care _why_ you said it, Dean. The point is, you said it. And even though you say you didn’t mean it, I don’t know if I believe that. Not completely. That wasn’t just about Mary. She was just your tipping point. Your anger at me has been building for a while. I could feel it.” Dean scrubbed his hand over his face. If he had to have the difficult conversation, fine, but he would be damned if he was going to start _crying_.

“I was never mad at you. I mean, I was a little because sometimes you make really bad decisions, but mostly I was just worried. We keep too many secrets. All of us. And secrets are one of the things that get us killed in this life. Every time you keep something from me, I…I’m terrified that it’s gonna be something that kills you.” Cas shook his head.

“Would you even care? You sent me to hell with Belphagor without a moment’s hesitation. What if he had sucked in all those souls? He would’ve killed me. Would that be a better end result than Rowena being dead?” Dean hadn’t considered that. He hadn’t considered a lot of things. He had volunteered Cas for hell duty with Belphagor for the simple fact that Cas was the only one of them who could hold off hoards of demons and be reasonably okay.

“No. When you put it that way, no. Rowena was a friend. Well, more of a frenemy, actually. But you, you’re family. If we…I lost you again, I don’t think I’d be able to handle it. I’m sorry for the way I’ve been acting towards you. I never meant to make you feel worthless, or that we…I didn’t want you around. Powers or not, you’re important to me. I don’t care what you can or can’t do for me. I just want you here. Something always feels off when you’re gone. Please don’t leave. Not now. Not after everything.” Cas seemed to soften just a little so Dean continued. “I asked what was real, and you said that we are. You’re right. You were also right when you said that I don’t trust you. I don’t. And you don’t trust me. But there’s a difference between trusting someone to follow a plan and trusting someone to have your back no matter what. You always have my back, Cas. You made the right call, killing Belphagor. If you hadn’t, we’d have a whole new set of problems on our hands, and we probably wouldn’t have you to help us with it.”

“You have to understand something, Dean. I don’t want to leave. I would live every second of my existence beside you, despite how you treat me, but it hurts. And I kept telling myself it would get better. But it hasn’t. It keeps getting worse and I keep getting hurt. I can’t take it anymore. I don’t want to leave, but I have to, or it’s going to kill me.” Dean felt his heart shatter. Maybe he felt a few tears slide down his cheeks.

“Go.” His voice was broken. Cas blinked in surprise.

“What?”

“Go. I didn’t realize…I should’ve realized what I was doing to you. I didn’t and nothing can fix that. There’s nothing I can say that could even begin to fix this. You’re not better off alone, but you’re better off without me. I told Sam once that I was poison. I am. You were the greatest thing that ever happened to me, and I nearly destroyed you. I didn’t deserve nearly as much forgiveness as you gave me. So, yeah, you should go. Not because I don’t want you here or don’t need you here, but because I think you’d be better off miles away from me.” Dean turned and walked back down the stairs. All that talking and the result was still the same. Cas was leaving and it was his own fucking fault. He waited for the sound of the heavy door opening and slamming shut, but it never came. Instead, he felt a warm hand on his shoulder.

“You aren’t poison, Dean. You have terrible communication skills and even worse ways of dealing with your emotions, but you aren’t poison.” Dean turned to meet Cas’s bright blue eyes. There was a hint of a smile on his face.

“I love you.” The words slipped out before he could stop them. “I know that doesn’t fix anything. I know it doesn’t just magically make things better, but I do. I love you, and I can’t bare the thought of you leaving and never coming back. It’s too much.” Yeah, he was definitely crying now. Only he didn’t care. Cas pulled him into a hug and Dean sank into it. Things were far from better, but at least he felt safe again for the first time in a long time.

“I love you, too, Dean.” It was barely a whisper against Dean’s hair, but he heard it clear as a bell. He held onto the angel just a little bit tighter. He was real. _They_ were real.


End file.
